The CMC make an attempt at splitting their haul on Nightmare Night. It goes about as well as expected.
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- Member Since 19th Jun, 2022
- offline last seen 11 minutes ago
Hoofprintz
Your own weakness is to blame...
Hoofprintz
Joined 19th Jun, 2022 ·
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The fact that you wrote an entire story about Halloween Candy without taking the easy path and dunking on Candy Corn shows some real restraint.
11727528
That was the most difficult part of writing this lol.
Staring at the page and thinking:
Don't talk about candy corn! Don't talk about candy corn! Don't talk about candy corn!
11727670
That Smithers part. Love it!
At times i cant tell who is talking to who
11727894
A fair point. It was deliberate. Honestly, it was even more vague in the initial draft. I had each pony that wasn't the CMC remain unnamed and was going to use only dialogue to distinguish between the other characters.
I scrapped that and moved to naming pretty much everyone.
The Starlight, Trixie, main character part is just supposed to be a confusing mess. In fact one of the jokes was taken out because it was simply confusing. This part here...
Originally said...
"Trix... that's a cereal."
The joke being the reader doesn't know if Starlight is saying Trix as in Trixie's nickname or Trix as in the cereal IE Starlight can't believe that Trixie gave such a ridiculous reply or she's just reminding her friend it's a breakfast cereal.
I was going to keep the sisters vague too, but even then I decided to clean it up a bit.
For the Trixie part Starlight refers to Trixie as Trix except to clean up that joke.
For the sisters part Luna talks with a bit more elegance and less edge and Celestia is pretty blunt. Also the main character refers to Celestia as Highness and Luna as Majesty.
Thank you for reading and commenting!
11727904
That can only go so far without sacrificing clarity though
11727917
Oh, I agree. However, clarity is a bit up to the reader sometimes as well. How about this, what might you suggest? Or where exactly did I lose you?
11727927
Story still fun just that really. Just add on whos actually talking. Clarity from a reader shouldnt really be used on unless you are doing some thriller or mystery or calling onto a subtly of dialogue or scene. Not on who is asking someones favorite candy just for the sake of it.
11727978
Well, therein is where I'm struggling. If you mean non dialogue in the parts where it isn't the CMC it kind of kills the theme of those parts being only dialogue. I even went off that a little with thoughts towards the end. I guess what I'm asking is, where are you not understanding who's talking? I assumed it was at the Trixie part because like I said that was the vaguest and the easiest way of "fixing" that would be to add in "said Trixie" "said Starlight".
11727984
That was it. Mainly one the parts without the cmc cause at first it seemed random. Thats my only complaint really
11727986
Alright. Starlight/Trixie part is rewritten as best I could while maintaining the jokes.
Let me guess. Spike likes Rock Candy or Ring Pops.
11728212
i get the rock candy but why ring pops
11728231
It's kind of like jewelry and Spike likes Diamonds
11728298
right ok i see now.
11728212
Good choices. But when I was going to write him in he was gonna say he just prefers gems, lol.
the fuck kind of phrase is 'cotton-picking'? i made a double take there because i thought you made a racist - not calling you one - joke there
11728380
Huh... you learn something every day.
Never looked into it. Southern drawl I heard in cowboy movies and the like before.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cotton-picking
Not a racist so I never knew. Guess I'll change it to be less offensive.
11728382
oh, i didn't mean it like that, i doubt anyone would get offended by it - just hilarious in hindsight - only got confused since i've also never heard that phrase beforeedit: LMAO nevermind, just read what you linked, i am cackling so hard right now - i had no idea that it was exactly what i thought it was - what the fuck did you think it meant?!
11728386
Like I said, heard it millions of times in old cartoons and cowboy movies.
I'm old lol. Heard it a million times. Also I'm a Mexican, I don't really think of things in racist terms that way.
Well AB, she is real, but she’s also an android made of cobalt and silicone, hence why she is being so dense.
11729445
HA! It was a processing malfunction!